Scarred Souls
by mandy.marie.3572
Summary: You are Gamzee Makara you are anorexic and self harm. Rose is giving you some therapy but then has to leave when Karkat comes over. Karkat tries to help. You are red for him but does he feel the same? (( I do not own homestuck ))
1. Chapter 1

Edited

Rose hands you a plate with food spread across it. Broccoli and chicken stir fry , you would prefer a mother fucking pie but you don't complain. You rest your head on your hand and pick at the food. You stab a piece of chicken and place it in you mouth. You feal guilty with every bite and disgusts you. You swallow and push your plate away. You hate to eat anything even your pies at times but you eat them anyway. Rose looks at you and writes down a few notes. You really hate it. Always taking mother fucking notes. What is she going to mother fucking do with them anyway? You push away your anger. It's not mother fucking right to get made at your mother fucking bro. "Why don't you try to eat more?" she suggests. You shake your head. You can't do it, you feel terrible enough as it is. If you take another mother fucking bite your going to lose it and probably have another mother fucking breakdown again and end up mother fucking cutting yourself. She just nods and takes more mother fucking notes. "At least drink some water." She hand you a tall glass of water. You take a gulp and set it down."When did this all start?" she asks. You shuffle in your seat trying to think. Unsure you answer "AlOnG tImE aGo, i FoRgEt HoW mAnY sWeEpS." She nodes and turns back to her notes.

You turn your head to look out your hive's window and stare at the sea. You feel you heart ache as you think of your lusus. Will he ever come back to see you? Does he even mother fucking care? You feal yourself getting worked up. You feel warm tears swell in your eyes. You try to blink them away quickly before rose sees but you fail. Those mother fuckers role down your face and you quickly wipe them away but once they start they don't mother fucking stop. You shouldn't let her see you like this. Mother fucking great the urge to cut into your skin arises. The anxiety is kicking in and the panicking. Oh no, oh shit, stop, just mother fucking stop! She must think your pathetic and weak. That's not mother fucking helping at all. You start hyperventilating and rocking in you chair. Rose gives you a worried look and hugs you. Trying to mother fucking calm me down? At least the mother fucker cares a little. But it's all your fault she needs to calm you down. It's all your mother fucking fault. Every things is your fault. Even your lusus. He must have left because your such a disappointment. You take a breath. You need to calm the fuck down now. You push rose away. Not to forcefully though you don't want to mother fucking hurt her.

You run upstairs to the bathroom and lock the door behind you. Breathing heavily obviously out of breath you open the drawer and pull out a razor and you slice into you skin. You watch purple ooze out of the wound and you quickly repeat. Over and over and over. Calming a bit down with every cut. You take a breath and watch the blood pour out of your arm. You open the closet and grab a towel and press it to your arm. It's mother fucking stings but you deserve it. You breath slowly as you lay down. You hear the door click and rose steps in. She looks shocked. She hurries to you aid by examining the cuts. You shouldn't have done this with her here. She wouldn't have to mother fucking worry if you didn't do this to yourself.

She washes out the wound and wraps it with bandages. "This will have to do..." She says while helping you up. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Your face paint is a mother fucking mess. You grab a rag out of another drawer and dampen it. You wipe the warm cloth across your face. You wipe away the face paint and toss the towel in the laundry bin. You also pick up the bloody towel. You stare at it then place it in the sink to wash it out by hand but you'll clean up later. Leaving rose you head downstairs then out the back door to gaze out at the sea. You slide your shoes off so you can place your feet in the wet sand. Little waves come up and cover your toes and it makes you smile a bit. You cradle your arm and space out. All you want is for him to come home.

You smile a bit when you hear Karkat."GAMZEE WHAT THE FUCK" You turn your head a bit disappointed. You wonder sometimes what you see in him. "i'm SoRrY bRoThEr." Karkat sighs and lowers his voice. "Gamzee I know it's hard. Trust me I know. But you have to try. You have to try to stop this." Karkat grabs your bandaged right arm and holds it. He gently unwraps the wounds. He drags his finger over the scars and carefully over the new cuts so it doesn't hurt. As he does you feel you face getting warm and your eyes swell with tears. Karkat turns his head notices and hugs you tight. "It'll be okay. So please stop this because what if you go to far? what if you..." He can't bring himself to say it."I'Ll TrY iF yOu TrY tOo." You hear him start to sob and you hug him tight. "when did you find out?" You push your face into karkat's shoulder. "I've know for a while..." He sighs wipes his eyes on you shirt. "Gamzee if you where to die I don't know...if I could..." You pull back and look at him. His eyes are puffy and his face is red. Tears drip down his face and he wipes them away. You feel so sorry for him. You place your left hand on his cheek. His eyes widen a bit. "G-GAM..." You lean down and kiss his soft lips. You hold there for a second ,taking it in. His smell, his lips on yours his warm face. It pains you to pull away but you do. He looks at you with wide eyes. You give him a smile. "G-GAMZEE..." he looks away with hurt in his eyes. "I'M SORRY BUT...I'M RED FOR SOMEONE ELSE."

A/N sorry for those who have read this before i edited it the way i want it. I did a really crappy job before so hopefully this is better (i deleted the other one). I might make another chapter but i don't know if you want more comment or message me privitly. And please tell me what you think! Tell me what you liked/disliked and what you'd like to see in the futrue and i can see what i can do! thank you!


	2. Chapter 2

You look at him wide eyed then turn your head down in sorrow. "i'm SoRrY i ShOuLd HaVe AsKeD." Karkat places a hand on your shoulder. "IT'S ALRIGHT." You swat his hand away and get up and walk to your hive. Why are you such a mother fucking idiot? You flop yourself on the pile of horns making a loud honking sound. You just want to end it all at this point but you need to stay. Do you? You hear karkat walk inside. "I'M SORRY" He says sitting down by you making more honking noises. You roll over to face him. "It's AlRiGhT bRoThEr." You say but it's not. Your heart aches and you want to kill yourself just to end it ,just to end this pain. You hear a bling from his computer. He pulls out his computer and starts typing. He recaptchalogues his computer and turns back to you. "I GOT TO GO, I'LL MESSAGE YOU LATER." He hugs you then gets up and leaves. After a few minutes you sit up and rub your crusty eyes. You curl up and think to yourself " Whats wrong with me? No one cares anymore...do they?" You sigh as your heart stoops even lower. You feel so guilty and upset your stomach is in knots. You can't take it anymore you grab a large knife from the kitchen drawer and head upstairs. You notice the rag has been washed out and any blood on the floor moped up. You begin to fill the tub. You set down the knife so you can pull off your shoes. You turn off the faucet and just as you do so you hear a bling from your computer. "karkat?" you think as you pull out your computer. It's Tavros.

"uHH,,hEY GAMZEE (:{"  
"sup tavbro"  
"hEY,,uHH,,aRE YOU OKAY?"  
"i'm fine just not in the mood for the way i usually type"  
"y'know ya just got to go with what feels natural"  
"oH,,,oKAY, i GUESS"  
"tav i just want you to know your a real cool bro"  
"your the best bro a motherfucker can have"  
"uHH,,gAMZEE WHATS THIS ABOUT?"  
"never mother fucking mind that, just that your a great bro, your brave"  
"strong , and many people like you :o)"  
"gAMZEE YOU SURE YOUR FEELING OKAY?"  
"yeah just...fine"  
You grab the knife and your feel tears run down your face as you slip into the tub. Warmth covers your body.  
"gAMZEE,,,sHOULD I,,uH COME OVER?"  
"no...just stay motherfucking there"  
"oh god"  
"it's the end for me"  
"just remember that i cared about you bro"  
You set the computer down on the floor beside you. You make two deep cuts in your wrists. You stare at the blood draining from you wrists and wait for the end.  
"gAMZEE?"  
"yOU STILL,,uH,,THERE?"  
"gAMZEE?!"  
"oH GOD,,,"  
"wHAT SHOULD I DO? oH GOD"  
"i'M COMING OVER"  
A few minutes later your vision is blurring and your heartbeat is slowing. "Is this what death feels like?" You think to yourself. You hear the door swing open.  
"gAMZEE!" You hear the startled voice panic. He pulls you out of the tub and cradles your limp body in his arms. His eyes are streaming with his bronze tears. He places a hand on your face. "tHERES HELP COMING,,,DON'T,,,DON'T WORRY" Oh god why aren't you dead yet? You can't stand to see one of your bros like this. "I...s...ry" You can barely say in your state. You feel so week and tired. He strokes you face. "iT'S OKAY,,,YOU'RE,,,YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE" He says as you struggle to keep conscious. He leans close to your face. "pLEASE,,,dON'T,,,dIE,,,pLEASE DON'T,,,,lEAVE ME" He sobs. He kisses your lips and pulls back to satare into your eyes. "go..d...by.." You whisper as slip into unconsciousness.

**A/N**  
Dear anon who reviewed this thank you very much! So here is another chapter sorry it's short but thats okay because i'm still not done! Hope you enjoyed feel free to message me or reveiw this on what you think! Thank you!


	3. Chapter 3

Your heart beats slow but it's there, you take long breaths. You slowly open your eyes. Your a bit dizzy and confused as you look around. Before you can think straight you feel arms wrapped around you and you hear sobbing. You realize it's Tavros,no motherfucker can miss those horns. You turn your head when you hear a cranky voice at your side. "SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK? YOU SCARED ALL OF US" You blink and look around. Nepeta ,Equius ,Rose and Kanaya surround the foot of your bed. "Uh" You still don't fully understand. "wHeRe Am I?" You asked confused"The Hospital Dear." Kanaya says calmly. You begin to remember what eyes widen and you start to panic, your heart is beating fast. Warm tears swell your eyes and your breathing picks up pace. Tavros looks up and looks at you concerned. " gAMZEE ARE YOU,,,uH,,oKAY?" Nepeta jumps up onto the bed and sits by your feet. ":33 gamzee your looking a bit pale" Your tears fall from your eyes and Tavros wipes them away. "gAMZEE YOU'LL BE OKAY NOW,,," You turn your head swiftly and grip his shirt and pull him close. "I'M NOT SUPPOSE TO BE HERE" You shout gripping his shirt tighter. Tavros looks at you wide eyed. "gAMZEE,,,uH,,,i,,," He says frightened. You loosen the grip on his shirt and sob into his chest pounding on it gently. "I'm not...I'm not suppose to be alive..." The room is silent when karkat speaks up."I HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT. I KNEW YOU WHERE UPSET BUT HONESTLY I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD END UP THIS FAR. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED." You turn around to look at karkat to see his grumpy face staring you down. You let go of Tavros' shirt and lean back into the bed waiting for more criticism "SO WHATS THE ANSWER YOU FUCKING CLOWN." rose looks to Karkat "Karkat you shouldn't be so hard on him..." You take a breath wiping away tears. "i'm SoRrY...sO moThEr FuCkIn SoRrY" You want to yell with guilt and pain. You want to scream to the messiahs. You want want to pray to god that to strike you dead this moment. And yet, you sit still and silent, terrified that if you do something wrong they will hate you even more. You turn to Tavros with a dead look in your eye. He looks at you in fear of what you'll do next. "Why didn't you let me die?" You ask. "i DIDN'T WANT,,,yOU TO,,,uH,,,dIE" You sigh and look down at the hospital gown that flows to your shin's revealing scars that wrap your ankles. You sigh. "DeAtH wOuLd HaVe BeEn BeTtEr ThEn ThE pAiN i FeEl NoW..." You refuse to look up. You refuse to look into there glassy eyes or face there fake smiles. You feel like your drownding with people surrounding 're done with everyone and can't take it anymore. Life has no meaning to you. You lower your voice. "Demons whisper in my ear...and...sometimes, I agree with what they say..." You feel an arms wrap around your shoulders. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want" Rose whispers to you. "I...I want to be alone for a while..." You say to her. She nods and you hear them stand and walk away but one presence lingers beside you. He says to you. "I UNDERSTAND..." You look up a bit to see him sobbing into your shoulder his hand gripping your shirt. Thats when you notice the newly wrapped bandage around his wrists with blood seeping through. You want tell him it'll be okay but honestly your not sure it will be.

**A/N**  
**Hear is another chapter once again kinda short sorry I try! I am working hard real on these so I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them. Feel free to place a review anything is welcome, Thank you!**


	4. Chapter 4

Karkat pulls away and says he has to go. You feel saddened by this but you try to hide it. He smiles slightly at you and steps out of the room. Leaving you to your thoughts. You look out the window to see a blank wall. It's cement is darkened with water. You stare at the droplets of rain trickle down the glass. You stand up and place a hand on the cold surface and you move close to the window your breath fogging up the glass. You look up to see a sliver of grey sky. You move your fingers to the handle and try to slide it open. It moves and inch and stops. You place your face in the crack. The cool air brushes your cheeks, you close your eyes as you listen quietly to the music of the rain. It calms you. You hear the door swing open but you pay no attention to it. "I know what your thinking...Those windows don't open any farther for that reason specifically" Says a female voice. You assume it's a nurse. You roll your eyes at her remark. "ThAtS nOt MoThErFuCkInG wHy I oPeNeD iT..." You snicker not moving from your spot. You hear her set something down on the little counter next to your bed. "These are antibiotics and antidepressants,I need to watch you take them. So will you please while I explain to you what happens to you from here on out."  
Your turn around and sit on the bed you take the little plastic cup and dump them into your mouth. You grab the water bottle to wash the pills down as you listen to what she says. "You'll be here for 72 hours or more depending." Your eyes widen. '72 hours?!' you think to yourself."You'll see a psychiatrist, psychologist and other hospital staff almost every day. After you're out, you'll probably be seeing a psychiatrist every few weeks until they think you're better." You start to panic a little."WhY aRe YoU mOtHeRfUcKiNg KeEpInG mE hErE? i WaNt To Go HoMe" You complain."wHaT iF mY lUsUs CoMeS hOmE...AnD...I'M nOt ThErE?" You look at the nurse with pleading eyes. She looks back at you without any sympathy for you. "You have to stay here it's not a choice for you to make." She takes the plastic cup and throws it into the garbage and lets you keep the water. "I will back later with your meal." You glare at her then turn away. You stand up and return to the spot at the window, breathing in to fresh air to calm you down. 'What about my slime pies? What if I become sober? I can't let that happen...' You take deep breath when you hear the nurse leave."BiTcH" You whisper to yourself making yourself chuckle. You close the window and lay down on the bed and zone out for who knows how long. The door swings open. You don't look over at who it is, you could honestly care less who it was. You continue to stare blankly at the wall in front of you. "I see the antidepressants are kicking in. Good." You don't answer. "I brought you your meal for today." She sets the tray on your lap. You still don't care about it. Honestly someone could come up to you and shoot you and you would be chill with it. "Hmm..." The nurse comes close to you. She opens your eye with glove wrapped fingers. You don't flinch. She shines a light into your eye. You don't move. "I will consult with your doctor to have your antidepressants changed to something different." She say just before leaving. You zone out not touching your food. The nurse returns with a doctor. The nurse talks to the doctor. The doctor nods and proceeds to examine you. While he does so she unwraps your wrist checking the stitches and looking at the scars. She looks back to you. "Do you have any more?" She points to your scars. I nod. "Where are they?" You reach down to the end of your gown and pull it up to your thighs reviling scars that cover your legs. She looks at them with surprise. 'Is it a lot?' You think but honestly don't care. She scratches down some notes. "Where else?" You pull down the gown to cover your legs again. You slip your arms out of the sleeves and pull down the gown enough so you can see your hips. You point at the marks by your hip bones. The nurse looks at you in shock. They wern't expecting me to have more? The doctor places his finger on your ribs. "Gamzee...How much have you been eating lately?" You Think back. "EnOuGh..." The doctor points to the untouched food. "Can you eat this for me?" You look down at it. You pick up the food and begin eating. The food slowly slides down your throat. You eat all the food. You feel stuffed and your stomach aches. You lay down and grip your stomach. You place a hand to your mouth and hurry to the waist bin. "Gamzee do you throw up on purpose?" You clutch your stomach and wipe your mouth. Feeling dizzy you nod. The doctor whispers something into the nurses ear and she nods. The doctor and the nurse leave the room. You slowly get up holding on to the wall for support. You walk to your bed as quickly as possible. Your vision turning black. You feel dizzy and fall on the bed. You lay there silent waiting for your vision to return. When your vision clears you stand up slowly and turn off the light then return to the cold hard bed .You close your eyes to sleep but you can't. You toss and turn as you think about your friends. You begin to think of when you tried to kill yourself. You remember only a little bit but you remember something it vague. You remember tavros holding you. His arms wrapped around you. His warm tears hitting your face and his shaky voice as he says your name. You remember those big brown eyes staring back at you. Then you realize kissed you. Does he..."like" you? You question yourself. You roll over with this thought in mind and fall asleep.

**A/N**  
**This chapter was pretty lame but thats okay,there is still more to come so don't worry! I would like to thank you for the nice reviews! And that fact that so many people are enjoying my story! Feel free to review! Don't be afraid to point out spelling corrections too! thanks!**


	5. Chapter 5

You open your crusty eyes. Your back is stiff and your mouth is real dry. You run your sandpaper tongue over your lips. 'this motherfucking sucks' You think to yourself. You sigh. You just want to go home and cower in a corner. You should't have done this. Why must they keep you here? It's so meaningless to you. You pull out your phone and check your messages. Karkat and Tavros messaged you. You open karkat's first.

CG: HEY... YOU FEELING ANY BETTER?  
TC: A lItTlE :o)

You lie again. How long can you keep this up? You can't and yet you still do it as if it's a game. A stupid little game you refuse to lose. You just hurry up and open Tavros' message.

AT: uHHH,,,hEY GAMZEE,,, cAN I COME OVER FOR A,,,uH,,,vIST?  
AT: i THOUGHT I SHOULD ASK FIRST }:)  
TC: sUrE bRo :o)

You frown as you type this. All you want is to be alone, and yet, you invite him over? That's so stupid, why do you keep doing this? You just shake your head and slump your shoulders with a sigh. You hear a bling from your phone. It's tavros. "oKAY,,,bE THERE SOON" He sounds as if he's happy to come see you. Lies. Guess your not the only one who feels obligated to make everyone 'happy'. No one is happy at this point. Karkat cuts, your anorexic , Rose is worried, Eridan's Eridan ((ba dum tsssh)). You sigh. It's not right that so many people are like this. You feel tears fall down you face. It's just not fair. You hear a soft knock on the door and the handle turn. You quickly wipe away the tears. You hope your face isn't to red. Tavros walks into the room with a big smile on his face. You look at the box in his hands and eye it curiously. He hold it out to you. " i MADE IT FOR YOU,,,,iT'S PROBABLY NOT VERY GOOD THOUGH,,,,bUT I TRIED" You take the box and slide the lid off. It's a piece of slime pie. You chuckle. It's just the thing to help you relax the best way it can. You dip your finger into the pie, scooping the filling and bring it to your lips. You shove it in you mouth and smile at Tavros. His large brown eyes stare at you. "tHaNkS bRo" You say even though you feel guilty about eating. He tried real hard making this pie. You can tell and you don't want to let your bro down . "sO,,,aRE YOU FEELING BETTER?,,,i MEAN,,,uH,,," He struggles to find the right word. "DePrEsSeD?" You answer looking down at the pie with a pained smile. He looks at you with sorrow like it was him who said it. "nO,,,tHATS NOT IT,,,i WAS GOING TO SAY,,,uPSET BUT,,,uH" He frowns at the error in his mistake. "NaH, DoN'T nEeD tO bE uPsEt BrO tHiS mOtHeR fUcKeR iS aLrIgHt" The last part, another lie. Of course your not alright, other wise you wouldn't be here currently. "oKAY,,,bUT,,,uHH,,,i REALLY BEEN WANTING TO SAY THIS,,,bUT UHH,,,hOW DO I PUT THIS?" He plays with his fingers looking down at the ground. "i REALLY LIKE YOU,,,aND,,,i'M SORRY,,,fOR BEING SO CARLESS,,,i SHOULD'VE TALKED YOU OUT OF IT,,," He bites his lip obviously upset. Tears fill his eyes and he wipes them away quickly. "iT'S ALL MY FAULT,,,i SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU I CARED,,,,mAYBE I COULD'VE HELPED YOU,,,bUT I DIDN'T" You give a sympathetic smile. "bRo It's NoT yOuR fAuLt...So PlEaSe...sToP cRyInG?" You ask. He looks at you with his brown wipes them. "iM SORRY" You smile big trying to hide your pain. "dOn't Be BrO, ItS aLrIgHt" He nods and looks up at you. " bUT...i UH...rEALLY AM RED FOR YOU...wILL YOU PLEASE...bE MY MATESPRITE?" He looks at you pleading. You look down and think it over. Karkat isn't red for you. So, you guess. You could try, it won't hurt anyone, right? "SuRe BrO" His face is slightly blushed. "rEALLY?,,,,oH,,,uH WOW,,,i DIDN'T THINK,,,,yOU WOULD WANT TO BE MY MATESPRITE" He shuffles and gives you a sad smile, but you see so much happiness in his eyes that it hurts. 'does he really like me? Or...does he like me for the lies? What if i just, try not to lie...will he still like me? Can't hurt to try, you feel terrible anyway. You place the pie on the bedside table with a sigh. He looks at you worried. "yOU,,,uH,,,oKAY GAMZEE,,,yOU BARELY TOUCHED YOUR PIE,,," You look down biting your lip. "tAv Im NoT gOiNg To LiE tO yOu BeCaUsE...wE'Re MaTsPrItEs NoW" You bite your lip at the word. It feels awkward coming out of your mouth. You shuffle a bit uncomfortable. " i DoN'T wAnT tO eAt ThE pIe RiGhT nOw...I dOn't LiKe EaTiNg In GeNeRaL...AnD...I bArF iT uP aLoT...Im gEtTiNg HeLp FoR iT sO dOn't WoRrY tO mUcH...aNd I tHiNk YoU aLrEaDy KnOw AbOuT mY cUtTiNg PrObLeM" He nods not smiling anymore. "SoRrY bRo It's JuSt ThOuGhT i NeEdEd To SaY tHe TrUtH...ThAtS tHe RiGhT tHiNg To Do...RiGhT?" You question him. "yEAH,,,i UNDERSTAND" He frowns a bit. You smile at him. 'Maybe...this won't be to bad? I mean like...perhaps this might work out? maybe.' You think. "mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs BrO" You say as you grab his hand. He blushes slightly and laughs. "sO MANY MIRACLES" You laugh with him and stare into his eyes. You pull him in and kiss his lips. His eyes widen before leaning into it. He places a hand behind your head and grips the hair slightly. You pull away and smile to him. "LoVe YoU tAvBrO" You bite his nose softly and say. "HoNk" He laughs. 'I think I can get used to this...maybe'

**A/N**  
**I'm sorry for not updating for a while guys! I've been a bit busy lately but enjoy~ And there is more to come! Comment review whatever. Thank you!((hope you liked the joke i threw in there pffft))**


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